Listening to: Find A Way - Amy Lee
I was sick last weekend; had a wisdom tooth extracted, had a 24hr long fever, had an allergic reaction to Erythromycin, had skin allergies, and now okay after all those wonderful events.
So now I'm back on my feet: no more art for the meantime, I have to get back to writing. I've been wanting to write something for a long time, I just couldn't fall into the right mood.
Maybe because I really didn't want to confront or talk about it. I kept denying what passed through my ears for the past two weeks. I focused on painting and reading, but I hardly could do anything much. It was just his voice ringing in my ears nearly all the time.
The feeling sucks.
I find myself falling into a very familiar pattern. Through years it has been my "disease", to want the forbidden. Let me put it this way: some things in life are not meant to be, and I still insist on making it happen until it ends (always).
I got pretty annoyed at this fact so I decided to roll up my sleeves and take action, never making it happen again, for the nth time.
I guess that decision is doomed to fail.
I have seen the signs: he has said he misses me, he has said he loves me, he has said that he intends to help me with whatever he can do.
Everything I could imagine, everything I could ever want, but I can never have them. I choose not to.
It's not a self-torture, but it's because I know the grave sacrifice I'd face sooner or later. Not to mention people that would definitely get hurt in any case I would entertain such feelings.
It was dreamlike, until now I can't believe he said those words, I wanted to believe that his "love" was the one I had been wishing for. But no, it will always be a lie. Love (for the opposite gender) is something I don't believe in anymore. It's nothing more than a pain in the ass. Contradict me if you must, but I wouldn't relent at that thought. I've seen and proven what real love is, for family, and it's not happening in the romantic aspect.
Anyway, that doesn't make me reject everything or everyone, specifically him. As much as I wanted to avoid him, as much as I wanted to be near him, I never breathed a word. Maybe he felt that I wanted to distance myself, he respected it and let me be for a few days. Until he chose to bother me again. I got sick and he was more than concerned than he should be. And when he got sick, it was me he sought to make himself feel better.
It's still overwhelming, but still meaningless.
I can't. I just can't. It's so wrong.
I then wonder, what in the world is he thinking? Or would he, as usual, debunk me with the classic line "Why think when all you need is to feel?" which I find very annoying and crappy.
But it's simplest thing I couldn't even reply to.
If only I could punch him.
I guess I have to master this cold facade I've been putting up. Or maybe my favorite mask, the naive girl who's very attractive to his "kind". I wonder why they see me as this little girl they can manipulate with words. Yes mere words can confuse me, add a shower of concern, and a dash of love, I am at your feet.
It only makes me realize how manipulative people are, for their own pleasure, without even thinking about basic humanity.
If I could only kick your balls to wake you to your senses.
Stop making me fall for you. I already have. Don't make me lose my senses.