I somehow don't want to forget this day. I accepted the fact that some things aren't meant to be at all. So the only thing left to do is to let go completely. But as much as I want to forget all the sadness I feel. Still it lingered in my heart, like a sleeping time bomb, that anytime can explode and rush tears to my eyes. I had to feel how it is to be different to him. I had to slowly forget that all this time, after all the pain, I still do love him wholeheartedly. Maybe, just maybe, friendship won't be so bad. Although of course, I really have to forget I love him. It will never make any sense anymore to continue doing so. It would definitely be hard. I have no choice. But, I just can't let go of this day easily.

He let me lie on his stomach. I like doing so. It makes me feel secure and safe when he's around. Maybe I had too much time alone that I'm not so confident of taking care of myself anymore. I fear being alone sometimes, so having a companion makes me feel relieved for the time being. Having someone around at home was always a big relief. Having him at home made me feel secure of my environment, I know he can make me safe and he can protect me. It has been several incidents that random people try to break in the house, threatening our safety, and in a way making me feel paranoid most of the time. It means a lot when he's here, even for just the afternoon. I am able to open the doors, move freely in the house, watch and put the TV volume high. Another reason was I enjoy listening to his stomach, and his heartbeat. It reminds me that I'm not alone, that there's also another human being I can get close with. It reminds me of life I have to live, that there's someone caring for me, and will be there for me.

Just one thing he did that made me not forget this day. He was kind today, the kindest he'd ever been since I've known him. However I talked randomly, or cried, or be serious, or laughed, he just went with the flow. He let me cry on his shoulder, hugged me, comforted me, and listened to me. He made me laugh, made me forget problems, made me forget my sadness for awhile. Then as I became serious with what I was saying, he kept somehow massaging my forehead. At first I found it weird, he'd never done anything like that before. It wasn't sweet, since I know how sweet and caring he can be way back long ago. It was his care I felt, his concern, the warmth of his presence somehow radiating through his fingertips. He let me talk and cry and then laugh. He did not just leave me right after I cried. It's the first time he's ever shown this much concern. Usually he'd be more worried of the time than me.

I just can't forget this day. I was happy and sad at the same time. I know he doesn't love me like I do. I can't completely put my trust in what he does; he has that bad reputation of being terribly inconsistent. It makes me think of things differently. But nonetheless, the confusion is still there, and definitely the love for him that I really need to forget. Even so, I still have to thank him for today. Thank him for his very kind and caring gesture I never imagined he could do.